


out of an abundance of hope

by beamings



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexuality, Bittersweet Ending, Coming Out, M/M, Pining, Requited Unrequited Love, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:08:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23135143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beamings/pseuds/beamings
Summary: It started with Arthur texting Merlin one night around a bonfire with the rest of their friends.I’m 80% sure I’m not 100% straight.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 40
Kudos: 136





	1. Chapter 1

It started with Arthur texting Merlin one night around a bonfire with the rest of their friends.

_ I’m 80% sure I’m not 100% straight _ .

Merlin, confidently bisexual Merlin, who was Arthur’s best friend, proceeded to wheedle Arthur about the matter for the next two weeks until they agreed to meet for Arthur to share The News TM .

Arthur skirted around the truth of it as long as possible, explaining how, when, why, what, telling Merlin everything except his role in Arthur’s newly accepted sexuality.

“I  _ liked _ you,” he finally got out, wincing and inflecting the tiniest bit of self-pity in preparation to be laughed at.

Merlin, for his part, didn’t laugh, but instead smiled openly, bright eyes and wide grin making his ears seem to grow in size.

“I knew it!” he crowed, drawing startled glances from the other patrons in the coffeeshop they were in. “You know, there was a point in time I liked you too, but then you said you were straight, so….” Merlin shrugged.

“Fuck you!” said Arthur, laughing and doing his best good-natured impression. “God damnit, are you serious? Fuck, I hate you right now!”

Arthur’s wry smile matched Merlin’s own, but it was just a mask as Arthur attempted to process this new information.

“So, what now?” Arthur asked after a while, finally looking up from the circles of condensation his drink had left on the table.

“I mean, there’s still that guy…” Merlin trailed off.

Ah yes,  _ that guy _ . Arthur had watched Merlin’s relationship with  _ Mordred _ develop over social media, and just last week Merlin had confessed to a bit of a crush that seemed to be mutual. But it wouldn’t be fair to ask Merlin to give up on something potentially really good just because Arthur flitted back into his life spontaneously.

“Yes, of course, you should work things out with Mordred first,” assured Arthur.

“Yep.”

“But let me know, okay?”

“I will. I don’t want to be that douche who drags things out so long.”

Arthur nodded.

“And… we’ll be good, right? No matter what, we’ll be okay?”

“Yep.”

Arthur couldn’t help but notice, however, that Merlin’s arms lingered less around him as they hugged goodbye.

T hat night Arthur was dragged along for a family dinner with Uther’s colleague, Olaf. Even as the food was served and the wine flowed freely, Arthur couldn't seem to pin down his thoughts. They were spinning wildly, analyzing the events of the afternoon, convincing him at every turn that he'd made a disastrous mistake.

Only a sudden comment from Olaf broke through Arthur’s reveries.

“Any girls on the horizon? What about that one in all the pictures? What’s her name… Gwen?”

From across the table Morgana sputtered on her wine and Arthur shot her a deadly look.

“No, I’m afraid not, Olaf.”

“Alas, if only I could convince my Vivian that you’re a perfect match for her.”

At this Morgana had devolved into a full-on coughing fit and Arthur’s eyebrows had nearly reached his hairline before Uther silently cautioned both of his children and regained control of the conversation.

“As lovely as I’m sure that would be, Olaf…”

Arthur was free to return to his anxious musings, and in fact did so for the next 36 hours.

He replayed months of interactions with Merlin, minute by minute dissecting their friendship, realizing exactly what had made his happiest moments so happy.

It took Arthur weeks to finally ask. He and Merlin had been texting again, almost back to normal, and with some goading from Morgana and courage from the wine she kept pouring into his glass, he tapped out a message.

_ Did you ever work things out with mordred? _

_ \- Yeah, I think we’re both pretty happy with the outcome _

The response was almost instantaneous and Arthur’s heart stopped, just a little. It’s not like he didn’t expect this. He’d seen the messages, he’d help Merlin dissect exactly what Mordred wanted, and it was obvious Mordred was interested. Arthur couldn’t even blame him. He tried to convince himself that this was what was best for Merlin. Mordred went to the same uni as Merlin and was fully, confidently out. It just made more sense.

With that rationalization in his mind, Arthur responded

_ Good, I’m happy for you _

More weeks passed, and soon summer was over and Arthur had avoided seeing Merlin in person before they left for their respective universities. Still, Arthur tried to keep up their friendship, sending cute pictures of dogs and plenty of text messages that were excessively platonic and desperate.

But with one too many stale conversations about classes and the weather, Arthur, thoroughly smashed after a pub crawl with his hall, sent out,  _ I’m sorry if I fucked everything up _ , and promptly passed out.

When Merlin’s name lit up his phone at half-past too early on a Saturday, Arthur was immediately awake.

_ You didn’t fuck everything up. _

Later that day came a second message from Merlin:  _ How did your exam go? _

Arthur could’ve sworn his entire body released a breath it had been holding since the summer. This was the beginning. This was how they worked themselves back to being friends.

And they were, for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! this is an uploaded draft from several years ago, when i was working through the events depicted here. if you think it has potential/would like to read more, i'd love to finish this merlin and arthur's story!


	2. Chapter 2

When Arthur had returned to university in the fall, he was fully committed to diving back into the social scene, and he did. He joined clubs and played intramural sports and kept spring term’s Arthur’s vow to join Tinder. After carefully selecting his five best photos and a witty caption, Arthur tentatively changed the gender setting to male and female.

Arthur had always known he was conventionally attractive, or at least he’d been told so by many people throughout his life. But between his studies and extracurriculars to get into a good university, as well as a host of incredible friends, he’d never really done anything with anyone on a romantic level, except for perhaps some ill-advised pining. Now, with the whole university at his disposal with just a swipe of his finger, Arthur was entranced by the instant validation available through the app. Hours would be spent swiping through the night, until the first guy showed up on Arthur’s phone screen.

He threw his phone across the room.

Before, when the idea of dating a man had just been a shadow in the back of his mind, a potential possibility confined solely to the person of Merlin, his best friend, it hadn’t been so strange or affronting. Arthur was forced to fully deal with his newly discovered sexuality. 

After the initial shock, Arthur picked his phone back up and stared at the face on the screen. With contemplation, Arthur indicated he wasn’t interested in the guy. Not because he was a guy, but because he wasn’t the kind of guy Arthur was interested in.

 _I’m not afraid,_ Arthur rationalized to himself. _I’m just not interested in him. I don’t have to swipe on every guy I see just because I’m new to all this. I’m not being picky, just, I know what I want. I think?_

A few dozen stuttering and awkward conversations with potential matches and one horrific “casual hang” with a girl that was far too forward later, Arthur was stepping into Alex’s car on a Friday night for a first date with a stomach full of nerves.

Alex was fine. He had a sweet smile and was taller than Arthur himself and had a good sense of humor. The conversation over dinner flowed easily, and they returned to Alex’s on-campus dorm to watch a film. Fifteen minutes into the movie, a raunchy comedy with a star-studded cast, Arthur sensed movement from Alex’s pinky finger where it rested beside him. Determined to be brave, Arthur smoothly moved his hand nearer to Alex’s and was met by a warm grasp. Throughout the movie, Arthur could see every so often Alex turn his head to look at Arthur, but Arthur kept his eyes fixed straight forward at the screen as his nerves built. Eventually, Arthur returned one of those glances and received the press of soft lips against his own. It was nice, and stirring arousal replaced the pit of nerves in Arthur’s stomach. It was Arthur’s first date, first kiss, first anything beyond the secret desires he’d kept hidden inside his own imagination for so long and it felt good.

A few days later, Arthur hadn’t heard from Merlin in a while, and decided to share his news.

_So, I have some news._

_\- yeah?_

_I went on a date with a boy and we kissed._

_\- OMG! how was it??_

_It was… nice. Strange at first, but not at all unpleasant_ 😏

 _\- ooohhh_ 😏

_\- how did you even meet this guy? I haven’t heard about him at all_

_Soo, you see, I joined Tinder…_

_– Arthur you thirsty hoe!_

At this Arthur had to put down his phone. He had been shaking since he first started texting Merlin and now he was nothing but angry. So infuriated that this man whom Arthur had offered his love was now accusing him of sluttily seeking out other affection. Not that it was a problem if he was, and it certainly wasn’t any of Merlin’s business.

Arthur was over it. Done feeling so beholden to Merlin’s whim and falling over himself to be available whenever Merlin reached out. Done putting up with the half-friendship being offered to him now and absolutely refusing to take any shit from Merlin.

_Hey. Don’t give me shit for this. I’m not thirsty, it’s just better than anything else I’ve tried in the past. Be happy for me._

_– you’re not thirsty._

_– I’m happy for you_

_thank you._

And that was it. Arthur had avoided bringing up anything regarding his admission to Merlin the past summer until this moment. But it was true. Admitting feelings to friends hadn’t worked for Arthur in the past, and Merlin had no right to be judgmental.

Arthur didn’t hear from Merlin for a month. Meanwhile, Alex had refused to define their relationship on a deeper level. Hot and heavy make-outs were all their “study dates” really amounted to. Arthur could tell Alex wanted more, could feel his arousal as he pushed Arthur down into the tiny mattress. But something wasn’t right. Arthur didn’t like the way he felt so childish and inferior with Alex.

One night, Arthur had let it slip that Alex was his first, and the way Alex smiled like the cat who got the cream made something churn within Arthur. That feeling didn’t go away, and his dates with Alex became less and less frequent until one day they both stopped texting each other and that was that.

It was the middle of midterm season when Arthur heard from Merlin again. Around 8 p.m., when Arthur had just settled in to the beginning of a Harry Potter marathon with his roommate, the text came through.

_– FRIEND! can i have some help with a math question?_

Against his better judgment and the input of his roommate, Arthur responded.

 _Sure. It’s been a while since I took math, so I don’t know if I’ll be much help, but I’ll try_.

Merlin sent the two problems over, and with some Googling and false starts, Arthur worked out the equations on a piece of paper and sent them back.

_– thank you SO MUCH. you’re a lifesaver._

_you know I’m always available for a calc booty call lol_

_– you got it_

Blame it on the extra stress of deadlines or the date that had just stood him up that afternoon, but Arthur had felt bold. He never should have responded in the first place, but now that he had, he was jumping back into the vortex that is Merlin, with undeniable flirtation dragging him further down.

In truth, it was nothing more than had ever been standard in their friendship. Every text straddled the line between platonic encouragement and downright sexual filth. Approaching the end of their shared French class, and the dreaded oral exam, Arthur distinctly remembers texting Merlin, “ _i’m always available for oral practice_ 😏”.

The emojis alone were incriminating and undeniable proof that they had been pining for each other all that time, without even realizing it (on Arthur’s part).

Arthur couldn’t help himself. With every new text that came in from Merlin after the so-dubbed calc booty call, his heart fluttered in anticipation. They caught up with everything that had happened in each other’s lives in the month they hadn’t spoken, and eventually Arthur admitted:

_my platonic and romantic lives aren’t exactly going so well at the moment_

_– mine aren’t either if it makes you feel better_

Arthur’s heart stopped.

If that meant what he thought it meant, there was trouble in the Merlin and Mordred paradise, and Arthur was being included in it. 

Indeed it did mean what Arthur hardly dared to hope. He became the sounding board for every complaint Merlin had, from Mordred’s apparent lack of attention to the stress of multiple exams on one day. With a 3-hour time difference between Arthur’s and Merlin’s universities, Arthur often found himself staying up early into the morning to continue his conversations with Merlin, finally turning his lights out at 1, 2, even 3 a.m.

It was worth it, Arthur assured the friends and family that worried about this recent development. Because occasionally, the conversations would turn to discussions of the past. Of all their flirtations they pretended were platonic and how much they had really liked each other, of everything that went wrong and everything that could be different. It was better than Arthur could have ever hoped.

After a term of disappointment and isolation, Arthur was once again treated to the full radiance of Merlin’s attention, being uplifted and complimented on a daily basis, hearts and smirks filling his notifications. There was an unspoken understanding – Merlin planned to break up with Mordred, and Arthur and Merlin could be something, _really_ something.

Perhaps Arthur got a little bit ahead of himself. He made lists of where he could take Merlin when Merlin visited, he researched plane tickets and break schedules. Hope was contagious, even as every late night text made Arthur’s palms sweat and body shake as he curled tighter around himself in his dimly lit bedroom, keeping his grin wide but private.

Morgana cautioned him. “I’m happy for you,” she said. “But don’t get your hopes up.”

“Has he _actually_ broken up with Mordred yet? Or even talked to him?” asked Arthur’s roommate.

“Well, no, but, he will. I’m not going to do anything until he does,” Arthur promised.

Arthur promised a lot. To his friends, to Merlin, to himself. He promised he wouldn’t let his hopeful heart get the best of him. He would tread with caution, but he would also fight. He was going to fight for Merlin now, make up for the summer when he should’ve fought for Merlin, earlier, before it was too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there's a chapter 2 now! and it's... something. turns out rehashing old sadness isn't exactly fruitful, and I've long since deleted the actual texts that this story is based on. even so, there's still more to this Arthur's story.


	3. Chapter 3

–  _ are you sure about this? _

And there it was. In plain terms, with no avoiding the obvious conclusion that they’d been dancing around for weeks. The “this” was the potential to be together, to share more things than they already did, to love and be loved in return. All the flirtation and rehashing of past events had been leading to this moment. It was a moment Arthur had been waiting for a second chance at since the summer. This time he was ready.

_ yes. _

Within a moment Arthur remembered the mistake he made last time he had this conversation with Merlin, when he first came out to him and admitted he had feelings for him.

_ are you? _

It was Merlin’s answer to this crucial question that would decide Arthur’s fate. He watched his phone screen anxiously in the middle of the night, hardly daring to blink lest a message come through.

–  _ yes, but ask me again in the morning _

Arthur’s heart soared, seizing on the first word of that text. It was a yes. It was a present-tense yes without hesitation or contingencies other than the promise to have a full conversation to clear up the details the next day. Everything else in Arthur’s life would be fine so long as he had this one yes.

Arthur returned to school from fall break the next day with a lightness in his step and a smile that was absolutely uncontainable. The arrogant students and dull teachers that normally populated his lectures seemed no more than a minor annoyance.

In contradiction to the previous two weeks, Arthur didn’t turn to his phone to text Merlin at every free moment. He held back, afraid of saying too much or not enough until they could properly talk about everything. The first day, Merlin had a rehearsal for a new play he’d been cast in at his university, so Arthur waited another day to reach out. He waited for Merlin to wake up, to be done with classes, to eat dinner.

_ so about that conversation? _

_ – i’m studying for a math exam right now. can we wait? _

_ sure, but it’s gonna happen today. _

_ – yes, i promise! _

Another two hours. Arthur had finished all his assignments for the next day, as well as washed up his evening mug of tea and was all ready for bed.

_ what about now? _

_ – mehhhhh i hate having emotional conversations. i’m not very good at them _

_ i knowww, but this is important! and definitely worth it, since you get me out of the situation lol _

_ – yeah yeah _

_ merlin. pleeasseee. _

_ i’m serious _

_ – okay _

Arthur didn’t yet know that if you have to beg to have a conversation, it’s not usually a conversation you should really want to have. But after what ended up being nearly 2 hours of gentle wheedling, Arthur got Merlin to agree to start talking about what “this” could mean.

In the end, it wasn’t that long of a conversation. Prior to getting Merlin’s reluctant agreement, Arthur had made himself a nest on his dorm room floor. Anticipating the conversation to go long into the night, Arthur didn’t want to wake his roommate by continually climbing in and out of his squeaky lofted bed to go to the bathroom or retrieve notes (yes, Arthur made notes for this situation, mostly compiled from past musings in his journal). So there Arthur was, hunkered down on the floor with a pillow and his softest blankets when the other shoe finally fell.

–  _ it’s just that if I can’t manage a relationship with someone I already live with, i doubt I could do it with someone across the country from me. _

_ – our communication is already flawed, and i don’t want things to get worse before they get potentially better. _

_ – i just don’t think i’m in the right emotional place for a relationship right now. _

  
  


Those texts, sent over a sequence of pleading back and forths, dissolved every last bit of hope and compassion within Arthur. He was a fool. He should’ve known better that this was never going to happen.

Arthur couldn’t breathe. His face was hot and messy with tears, his hands sore from clenching his blanket in his fists. His stomach turned and knotted and his head ached from holding back the sobs he so greatly wanted to unleash. 

This hurt, this rejection, hurt more than anything he’d ever experienced. He understood why so many old couples died soon after each other. When the one you love leaves you, it feels like there is absolutely nothing left. But Arthur soldiered on. He had questions left that he wanted to ask Merlin, and what better opportunity to lay everything on the table than now.

_ if you were never planning on making this work, then why did you lead me on for so long?? _

_ – i didn’t want to hurt you _

_ well this hurts too _

_ – i know, and i’m sorry _

Breathe, Arthur. Breathe and think. Look over your notes. Don’t leave anything out. Protect yourself.

_ does anyone else know? _

When Arthur first met Merlin in high school, he became an enmeshed part of Merlin’s already established friend group. They’d become some of Arthur’s closest friends, and he didn’t want to think about what it could mean if they knew what was happening.

–  _ no, I didn’t want it to get awkward with the friend group or anything. _

_ okay. _

_ I don’t think I can do the friends thing, at least not for awhile. _

_ – that’s fair. _

Arthur wasn’t sure if he communicated clearly, but what he so desperately needed Merlin to understand was that if Merlin wasn’t going to be in his life romantically, he needed to take a break from all communication. 

Because after all, there had never been a point in their friendship where things were ever strictly platonic, whether either Arthur or Merlin were aware of it at the time. Arthur needed the time to step back and disentangle what he felt for Merlin and how to rebuild a friendship. He couldn’t have Merlin’s name pop up on his screen and wish for something that had not once, but twice been shot down. Arthur knew that whatever he said next would be the last thing he said to Merlin directly. The anger had subsided, and Arthur was left with tender sadness and an open wound.

_ for whatever it was and whatever it’s worth, you were an incredibly important part of my life. thank you.  _ ❤️

–  _ of course _ ❤️

Arthur stared at his phone screen until it dimmed and went black. He felt nothing and too much all at the same time. When he stood up to go to the bathroom, his legs were shaky underneath him and he collapsed in front of the toilet, dry heaving his pain fruitlessly into it.

Tear-stained and exhausted, Arthur tucked himself back into bed at 5 a.m., dutifully setting his alarm for 8 the next morning to get to his 9:30 class on time before letting his ragged breaths and falling tears take him into sleep.

The next few hours were a blur. Arthur had changed indelibly, yet the rest of the world went on as normal. On the walk to campus, Arthur ran into a friend he hadn’t seen in a while. Cheerfully, she asked him how he was, and he gave some empty response that seemed to satisfy her. He wondered if she could see how puffy his eyes were or read some sort of message in his sweatpants and t-shirt outfit, because she moved on quietly, not forcing any more conversation.

After his first class of the day – where a perceptive professor forced a laugh to exit Arthur instead of the tears welling in his eyes – he stationed himself at one of the benches behind the English building and melodramatically listened to all the songs that had given him hope, that had made him pine, and that could properly encompass some of the things he was feeling. 

A Facebook notification on his phone made him jump, and he flinched when he saw Merlin’s name on the notification. A tagged comment of a viral video about a dog.

“ _ Arthur Pendragon – I hope this helps you feel better _ ”

_ How fucking dare he. He thinks he can make things better with a dog video? _

Later in the day, the second notification came through.

“ _ Arthur Pendragon – This reminds me of something you would do _ ” attached to a list of the best pens, tested and ranked psuedo-scientifically.

At that, Arthur immediately went into his Facebook settings and unfollowed Merlin, as well as requesting that any tags be approved before they were posted. As much as he could, Arthur would control his exposure to Merlin. Social media was on lockdown for the most part. Nothing yet was undoable.

That first day post-Event – Arthur didn’t have a word for it. It wasn’t a breakup, because they were never together. It wasn’t a fight; they didn’t even speak on the phone. It was just The Event. But that first day turned into another, and the days kept adding up, and soon the amount of time after the event had passed the two weeks that led up to it.

It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t remarkable. It was a steady plodding on through the ever-constant university assignments and club responsibilities that didn’t care that all Arthur wanted to do was sleep and cry. He became numb out of necessity, and did his best to meet everyone’s expectations. 

Arthur planned a trip to visit Morgana, a necessary break from everything that reminded him of his current situation and a way to reset and reconnect with a loved one. He’s lucky that he was with her when he saw it. Otherwise, he doesn’t know what he would’ve done.

> **Merlin Emrys** _in a relationship with_ **Freya Williamson**

“Oh my god. Oh fuck. Fuck!”

Morgana almost swerved the car off the road at Arthur’s sudden exclamation. They’d just left the shopping center when Arthur opened Facebook to see Merlin’s latest update.

“What the fuck is it? You scared me!” Morgana chastised Arthur.

“He’s in a fucking relationship. You’ve got to be kidding me. What the actual fuck.”

“And how do you feel?”

“I want to cry but also I’m just really shocked.”

Morgana nodded and continued to drive in silence.

“Okay, I’m really angry now,” Arthur said decisively. “Like, I’ve been all sad and melancholy and nostalgic but honestly fuck him. Fuck him, fuck her, fuck all of it. I’m just so angry.”

“Finally!” exclaimed Morgana. “You have even MORE of a right to be furious with him. I can hardly believe this. Well, I do because he’s a horrible person, but still.”

And Morgana was right. As much as Arthur had wanted to see only the good in Merlin, he’d romanticized the shit out of every interaction. On the other side of it, Arthur can see Merlin as the manipulative, emotionally evasive, inconsiderate person he was throughout the whole situation.

Merlin was so dismissive of Arthur’s feelings, and now here he was in a relationship no more than three weeks after saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship? It didn’t erase the pain, but having this vicious, righteous anger to cling on to erased the longing sadness that had occupied Arthur’s life for the past three weeks.

There was more to unpack, and healing yet to be done, but for the moment, Arthur was happy. Happy that Merlin was out of his life right then and Arthur could finally live for himself. Arthur realized he deserved better, and now he could go get it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big yikes here! sorry to disappoint some of you who were hoping for a happy ending, but unfortunately this tale doesn't have one, yet. despite this merlin being an absolute dick (it's true!), I hope you can be satisfied with the hope that remains alive in arthur. that anger and hope is what kept me personally going for months, until eventually i could keep myself going on my own, without the need for such surrogates. 
> 
> i want to give this story more, and i want to give you a happier ending and the closure I never got, but anything else that comes in this story (series?) will be going off-script, so it might take a little bit longer. thank you so much for following along so far and for letting me reprocess my past in such a welcoming medium!
> 
> if this story hit too close to home for anyone, remember: heartbreak is real, no matter what happened or didn't happen. your experiences and emotions are valid, and there is light on the other side.


End file.
